The Cover Up

"Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger"

 - The Cranberries.

You know they were onto something.  And no, I do not mean rocking out.  Repeat, they do NOT rock out*.   Anyway.  Now there are many many products to cover up the lingering smell of your dirty dirty number two.  None of them really work.  You know what I mean.  They just kinda mask the smell, which usually leaves you left strolling through a country garden of lavender poo.  You can try Glade, Oust, Febreeze or Ozium.  I have tried them all.  But there is only one thing that really and truly covers up the smell of a particularly odorous number two: Matches.  They work better than any air freshener.  Sure you are left with the smell of sulfur, but I will take that any day over a poopy ocean breeze. Just bought a huge box for my bathroom.  I suggest you do the same.

Funny story time.

I was working at a bar and my tummy was really not feeling well.  Now, as a rule, I do not, do NOT, ever go number two in public unless absolutely necessary (we will cover this topic another time).  This time was one of those rare occasions that I had to.  I completely dominated.  I mean DOMINATED.  The bar had a tiny office in the back.  In the tiny office, was an even tinier bathroom.  After I finished up with the particulars, I lit a match to rid the tiny space of my offense.  I realized that it was so bad that one match was not going to cover it.  It needed more.  Lots more.  I lit a good four or five matches.

As I was coming out of the office, my manager came in.  Oh shit.  It was one of those "Do I say something or just pretend like everything is cool" moments.  As soon as we passed, he started freaking out.

"Hey Ryan, do you smell gas?" he asked.  Looks like it's time for me to come clean (not that it was possible at this point, I mean a shower would be the only way)

So I stammered, "Uhh, sorry, sorry for uhh stinking up your office.  But I thought I was going to die."

"No.  No! I think there is a gas leak!" he continued.

"Dude.  It was me.  I took a major dump and lit some matches.  Sorry."  I said.

At first, I thought maybe he was just being a dick and makin fun, but quickly realized that he was not when he called one of my coworkers in.

"Hey Chris.  Do you smell gas back here?  I think we have a gas leak."

"Yeah.  Yeah!"  Chris exclaimed.  "We should call the gas company."

"NO! I took a shit and lit some matches!!!!"  At this point I am yelling that I number two-ed.  But it didn't matter.  They called the gas company. By the time the gas company came out, there was absolutely no smell of gas.  BECAUSE IT WAS MATCHES.

So just use caution when covering up your foul odors.

*Okay. Okay.  Maybe a little.